i don't a lot wrong, but when I do my conscience kicks in. I have a conscience that will keep me up at night. It will torment me in everything that I do. I try not to let people know.
Even little things. For example, my parents could come in and say something to me. For them it's just a passing remark, and it used to be. But then there are more and more remarks. Eventually when they come in and remark upon little things it means something. So much that it hurts. It makes me want to leave. Just get out. Go walk somewhere. Go sit under the stars. I have to get away.
It stresses me out. Though 'stress' isn't quite the right word. No, it makes me tired. And it makes me sad. Perhaps even grumpy.
Wish away my conscience for a day please
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Tuesday 29 June 2010
Changes
I might be changing blogs. A friend of mine wants to redo my blog to make it "pretty-full." I also want to make one blog for my blog posts and one for actual doctor who posts!! More word on that!
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Sunday 20 June 2010
Head...
Do you ever get the feeling that you want to say something but you can’t? I am continuously feeling that. Not just that, but that I have something that I am really good at, and I need that to survive. But I can’t find it.
I want to write a poem, but I’m unable to make anything work. I want to paint, but I don’t know what to paint. I want to take pictures, but they are never good enough. I want to write everything in the world, but it still wont’ settle me.
I feel like I have so much to say. I want everyone to hear what I say, yet at the same time I want to be alone, I just want to drive out into the middle of nowhere and then just be alone. But I want people to be around me constantly.
I am confusing people, and people are confusing me. I don’t know what to think, and I don’t know what I am thinking. I don’t know what I can do to solve my head problems. All I can do is say “Head.”
Wish me luck,
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I want to write a poem, but I’m unable to make anything work. I want to paint, but I don’t know what to paint. I want to take pictures, but they are never good enough. I want to write everything in the world, but it still wont’ settle me.
I feel like I have so much to say. I want everyone to hear what I say, yet at the same time I want to be alone, I just want to drive out into the middle of nowhere and then just be alone. But I want people to be around me constantly.
I am confusing people, and people are confusing me. I don’t know what to think, and I don’t know what I am thinking. I don’t know what I can do to solve my head problems. All I can do is say “Head.”
Wish me luck,
<3 e
Thursday 10 June 2010
Last Day Reflections
As i head into the last day of my sophomore year, i find that things are mch more complicated than the first day. I have become a totally new person.
At the beginning of the year i was small and meek, but now i stand up for myself. I have shown myself that I have more courage than i could have ever thought. I have struggled and I have floundered, but somehow i have found my way. I have been hurt, and i have hurt people. I have laughed and I have cried.
All in all, this year has been one of the most amazing years of my life. I hope that all of you reading my blog can reflect on what you have been through to get to where you are right now. I hope you realize the small struggles that not only you, but everyone around you have gone through. Have fun in your life!
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Waters of March
Have any of you ever heard the song "Waters of March"? Well if you haven't you should look it up. It's a pretty song with some cool lyrics. The entire song is a list of random things that sorta of go together, but sort of don't. It's sort of a jumble of things. Many of they are contrasting.
Right now my brain feels like those lyrics. Half of me is happy, half of me is sad. Half of me wants to be alone, half of me wants to be in a group of people. Half of me wants one thing and half of me want another. My brain is just a jumble of random and contracting thoughts.
Wish me luck!
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Right now my brain feels like those lyrics. Half of me is happy, half of me is sad. Half of me wants to be alone, half of me wants to be in a group of people. Half of me wants one thing and half of me want another. My brain is just a jumble of random and contracting thoughts.
Wish me luck!
<3 e
Friday 4 June 2010
End Of A School Year
Today are the Seniors last day and as i sit here in the lunchroom typing away at my friends computer i have realized some things.
Things end. I know that many people know that, and it's a pretty self-explanitory sentence, but at the same time it't not. But things actually end. I'm not talking about death or jobs or marrages or whatever. I have many senior friends that I will never ever see again after today. We will say that we will, but honestly, we won't. They will go to college and then they will never come back. We won't talk, we won't email, and we won't hang out. They will have started their life and they will have left me behind. I'm not a part of thier future, i'm a part of thier past. Someone they will vaguely remember me when flipping through thier year book with their children many years ago. Maybe they won't even remember my name. Maybe i won't even remember their's. It's sad, yes, but it's true.
Also, things that we think that will go on forever, end. Yes, it's sort of what i was talking about in the first paragraph but whatever. We grow up with people in our lives and expect that they will be there forever, but they won't. I have many friends that i have gone to school with and been good friends since elementary school. As we grow up, we have either grown together or apart, but either way, when we graduate and we walk out of the Roy Wilken's auditorium (where the graduation ceremony is held) I won't honestly see many of them ever again. Sure, we might hang out during the summer, but that's only my close friends. What about the people that you know from class and never got around to being their friend? What about all of them? You will never see them again.
Last year at the senior walk out, it was just another normal day. I walked out of school and avoided the masses of seniors saying their last goodbyes because i was a freshman and I didn't know many seniors. But this year. This year was different. As i walked out of my school and looked down the steps, i was watching friends that were saying their goodbyes. And i realized that many of my friends were in the 'Senior-goodbye-hug-mosh-pit-thing.' So i just stood there and watched. I realized that in two years I will be down there saying goodbye to people i've known all my life. The idea scared me, but a good kind of scary.
In two years I will be graduating and I will be leaving behind some sophomore standing on the steps wondering what it will be like to be saying goodbye. A note to all of my seniors, I will miss you dearly and i can't wait to spend an amazing summer with you ;)
<3 e
Things end. I know that many people know that, and it's a pretty self-explanitory sentence, but at the same time it't not. But things actually end. I'm not talking about death or jobs or marrages or whatever. I have many senior friends that I will never ever see again after today. We will say that we will, but honestly, we won't. They will go to college and then they will never come back. We won't talk, we won't email, and we won't hang out. They will have started their life and they will have left me behind. I'm not a part of thier future, i'm a part of thier past. Someone they will vaguely remember me when flipping through thier year book with their children many years ago. Maybe they won't even remember my name. Maybe i won't even remember their's. It's sad, yes, but it's true.
Also, things that we think that will go on forever, end. Yes, it's sort of what i was talking about in the first paragraph but whatever. We grow up with people in our lives and expect that they will be there forever, but they won't. I have many friends that i have gone to school with and been good friends since elementary school. As we grow up, we have either grown together or apart, but either way, when we graduate and we walk out of the Roy Wilken's auditorium (where the graduation ceremony is held) I won't honestly see many of them ever again. Sure, we might hang out during the summer, but that's only my close friends. What about the people that you know from class and never got around to being their friend? What about all of them? You will never see them again.
Last year at the senior walk out, it was just another normal day. I walked out of school and avoided the masses of seniors saying their last goodbyes because i was a freshman and I didn't know many seniors. But this year. This year was different. As i walked out of my school and looked down the steps, i was watching friends that were saying their goodbyes. And i realized that many of my friends were in the 'Senior-goodbye-hug-mosh-pit-thing.' So i just stood there and watched. I realized that in two years I will be down there saying goodbye to people i've known all my life. The idea scared me, but a good kind of scary.
In two years I will be graduating and I will be leaving behind some sophomore standing on the steps wondering what it will be like to be saying goodbye. A note to all of my seniors, I will miss you dearly and i can't wait to spend an amazing summer with you ;)
<3 e
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