Little Moments

We are constantly passing each other unknowing who we are by and who we are affected.

We do not know when that person, the one, could be standing next to us in line at a grocery store. Or in our neighbor's house. Or deciding that they are giving up on love.

We have no way of knowing what decisions will ruin our lives or save them.

But there are moments in our lives where we realize that the world is bigger than what we think. That there are other people orbiting around us. That we are small and insignificant but that every breath we take makes a difference.

Everything counts. There's no way of knowing whether one mistake will matter, or whether the other mistake will matter.

<3 e

Sometimes I Surprise Myself With...

How desperate I am.

How I don't actually know what I'm doing but I'll do anything to make it seem like I do.

How much I want to listen to this song forever.

How much I wish I could close my eyes and dance away everything.

What I think when i see you.

How sad I think I really am.

How little you know me.

How silly I sound to myself.

What makes me get up in the morning.

What I think when I look at my clothes.

How much I want to loose control.

<3 e

Music

I am in awe of music.

The idea that little vibrations in the air can travel into our heads and get turned into something so beautiful.

The way that the notes blend together into chords, melting from one to another.

The singer who's voice slides from note to note, never faltering.

The way it can make me want to smile and weep.

I love music and I couldn't imagine a world without it.

<3 e

P.S. Song that inspired this: Gravity, by Sara Bareilles

New Years Resolutions

I've never really gotten the appeal of New Years. I've never really counted down. I've never had champagne. I've never done the celebratory kiss. But I've always liked resolutions. I make them all the time. I generally make one at the beginning of the school year and one at the beginning of summer. I like the idea of looking back at your year and trying to figure out how you can make this one a better one.

Generally, you are supposed to come up with your resolutions before the New Year begins. Well, I'm 17 minutes late, as usual. Might as well do my resolutions sometime, why not now. So, instead of doing the smart thing and thinking about my resolutions in my head, or writing them down in a journal, I'm going to post them here. I figure that all of the people who read my blog are close friends of mine, so they already know about all my problems and history.

So here it goes.

One year ago, I stood on my grandma's front step and thought about how I finally had my life in some sort of order. I had my first real boyfriend. I had good friends and I had removed myself from some bad friends. I had school stuff sorted out, with college things looming in the far away future.

In the past year, I messed a lot of things up. I became single. I had my fair share of panic attacks. I stressed about everything. But I also managed to do a lot of things right. I made a lot of new friends. I grew closer to people who i already knew. I got accepted into the college of my dreams.

So today, now 33 minutes ago, there was a bittersweet twang when I stood on my grandma's front steps. I can't wait for the new year. For the challenges I will face. And the people i will meet. But I'm terrified that I will mess everything up again.

Finally, for my resolutions (written to myself):
1. Be healthy. Be active. Eat right. It's due time that when you look in the mirror you don't see your flaws. Don't point them out. Embrace them, or fix them. Stop being lazy about it. You know that you will feel better and be happier if you do.
2. Stop f*cking procrastinating. It's ridiculous. Stop putting off the hard work just because it's hard. Embrace the challenge. Stop spending all your time online doing stupid things. Either be working or doing something meaningful online. Do the stupid stuff later.
3. Think. Before. You. Act. Don't have it be so that you are thought of as unpredictable and spontaneous. Those aren't necessarily always good things. Sometimes it's good to be regular.
4. When you do mess up, and knowing you, you will, don't blame yourself. You don't deserve that. I'm not kidding. You don't.
5. Stop living in "What Ifs." Stop regretting every little decision. This will sound familiar. You may not want to hear it, but it was and still is true: In four years none of this will matter. In one year this won't matter. Honestly, are you going to spend your time thinking about all of this in six months? I know I won't. It's not worth thinking about or worth spending your time regretting things.
6. Have fun. This will be the end of your Senior year in High School and the beginning to your Freshman year of college. Do something fun. Live it up. Live now or you'll regret your time wasted later (Also, refer to #5).

Those are my resolutions. I have these, along with the specifics and some more profanity, in my head. For those few who read my blog, please post your resolutions. Also, thanks for reading this longa** post :) Love you all!

<3 <3 <3 e

Senior Lunch Reflections

I'm going to miss this. Sitting in the band hallway listening to everyone's conversations.

I'm going to miss talking to you.
The rushed homework everyone is trying to finish.
The passing conversations.
The slamming of locker doors.

I'm going to miss my friends.
The way they talk.
The way they gesticulate.
Their laughter.

As college fast approaches I feel myself becoming more and more reflective about what I'm going to miss. I've just realized just how much I'm going to miss this.

<3 e

Texting

I like the idea of texting.
The idea that I am constantly there in your life.
And that you are taking moment out of your conversations to reply to me.
I like the idea that I can contact you the second anything happens to me.

Still Not Perfect

Words are chosen,
Finessed and reworked.
Old phrases are changed
and erased.
Gray lines cross out the old,
and write the new. Edits are made,
reread and discarded.
Finally, typed and published.
Still not perfect...