I am a horrible blogger.

Today I was bored at work so I went through my normal things to do when I'm bored. I checked Facebook. I checked my email. I checked to see if anyone was online to talk to. I even resorted to stumbleupon. Eventually I found my way back here, and when reading through my old posts I realized why I am such a horrible blogger.

First, I blog for myself. I write myself little inside jokes and inside stories so that when I go back and read it later, I wil lbe able to understand the full meaning of what I wrote. Well let me tell you, when reading my old posts, I have no clue what I'm talking about. The thing is, if I don't know what I'm talking about, then how are you, my reader(s??), supposed to get anything out of what I'm writing? You won't.

Second, I spend the majority of the time apologizing for not updating my blog enough, which in itself doesn't cound as a blog post. You don't need to waste your time reading it, and I shouldn't waste my time writing it. Instead, I should actually try to write stuff.

Thirdly, and this ties in with the first, if I actually intend to blog, then I need to be willing to post things about me online. I don't mean addresses and phone numbers and things like that. I mean that if i want a story to be interesting and to actually reflect what is going on in my life, I need to actually give details, not "this was a night to remember *insert shifty eyes*" It's dumb and it micks you for not being there.

This is not me promising that I'm posting more. Not even in the slightest. Actually, if anything, I would start a new blog. One that doesn't have all of the backlog of dumb one sided stories that, lets be honest, were contrived and uninteresting to you and I. If I do end up starting a blog, or even focusing on my baking/cooking blog, I will be sure to let all of you few readers know. Don't expect this anytime soon, but this might just be the outlet I need right now.

Thanks for still reading
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Distortion

Memories are constantly distorted. The more we remember them, the less like the past they become. We mold them to form what we wanted them to become. But by doing so, we have incorrect perceptions of what occurred.

I commonly remember things better than they actually were. An event that could have been fun, but nothing special, I will remember as an extraordinary night. Because of my high perceptions of the past, I hold the present and future up to the standards of my glorified past. I set goals higher than anything that would ever be possible. The problem is that once something is actually as amazing as the original event that I'm comparing it too, it doesn't get as much credit as it should.

My distorted memories lead to a very disappointed life. The worst part is that I know what I'm doing but am unable to remold old memories.

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Night to Remember

You know those days that start out as normal days but morph into something so much greater? Today was one of those days.

As someone who is going to leave her hometown in about a month now, I keep having the feeling that I don't actually know St. Paul. Also, that I don't have enough time to do anything about it. Tonight was different.

It felt as though the gods of time slowed everything down so that my friends and I could jam all the fun things we wanted into one night.

Thank you for a night to remember,
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If I Close My Eyes

Some days, I use the dark canvas of my eyelids to paint of a picture. To travel back in time.

As the image springs to life I can feel you there, standing beside me. I can smell the old familiar fragrances, wafting my way.

But as I open my eyes, I snap back to reality.

I don't remember the big moments. I just remember little things. Little snippets of time captured like 3D pictures that envelope me.

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Writing Tiers

I write constantly. I know that this blog isn't proof of that. But I do. I have journals full of scribbles and drawings and ideas that will never be completed. 


I have tiers of things that I write.


I have Facebook. The lowest tier. I put phrases or ideas that I like, but that I don't care much about. Things that can't be related to people or things.


Then Twitter. Higher than Facebook only because less people follow me on Twitter than on Facebook. But due to the lack of space in Twitter space, I don't post anything more than, again, phrases or ideas.


Next. Here. This is where I take ideas that I've been mulling over and I try to explain myself. I don't always post everything here. Sometimes there are things that I would need to say out loud to get my point across and I have to resort to talking to friends *gasp.* I like writing on my blog. But I hold the same principle of Facebook or Twitter. I will never post names, unless I've talked directly to that person. I reference people, but not always. It's very common for me, in my writing, to use the pronoun 'you' without actually talking directly to someone. I just like the idea of talking directly to someone. I also don't like to reveal too much about myself and my personal life, again, for people's privacy.


Lastly, my own journals. Which none of you, or anyone, will ever see. My brain likes to hold phrases and ideas inside until it feels like it's going to burst. My journals become an extension of my brain and I write everything down that I can think. It's like having a conversation with myself. It sounds slightly delusional, but it's just how I have to think things through sometimes.


Thanks for reading again, I'll try to start posting some of my actual writing, instead of hoarding it!
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I Am Fake

How long will it take you to realize.
To realize I never say what I mean.
That I'm never truthful or honest.

How long will it take you to leave me.
To walk away from someone you trusted.
Someone who lied about everything.

Why haven't you noticed yet?
I cry and scream but you never hear.
These tears are useless, you won't see.

I wish you could help.
Help fight the rush of terror,
Or hold back the surge of memories.

I'm sorry for all the times I've lied.
All of the excuses I've made,
Worrying about what you'd say.

I am fake.
I've been fake for so long,
I don't know how to be real.

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Little Moments

We are constantly passing each other unknowing who we are by and who we are affected.

We do not know when that person, the one, could be standing next to us in line at a grocery store. Or in our neighbor's house. Or deciding that they are giving up on love.

We have no way of knowing what decisions will ruin our lives or save them.

But there are moments in our lives where we realize that the world is bigger than what we think. That there are other people orbiting around us. That we are small and insignificant but that every breath we take makes a difference.

Everything counts. There's no way of knowing whether one mistake will matter, or whether the other mistake will matter.

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Sometimes I Surprise Myself With...

How desperate I am.

How I don't actually know what I'm doing but I'll do anything to make it seem like I do.

How much I want to listen to this song forever.

How much I wish I could close my eyes and dance away everything.

What I think when i see you.

How sad I think I really am.

How little you know me.

How silly I sound to myself.

What makes me get up in the morning.

What I think when I look at my clothes.

How much I want to loose control.

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Music

I am in awe of music.

The idea that little vibrations in the air can travel into our heads and get turned into something so beautiful.

The way that the notes blend together into chords, melting from one to another.

The singer who's voice slides from note to note, never faltering.

The way it can make me want to smile and weep.

I love music and I couldn't imagine a world without it.

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P.S. Song that inspired this: Gravity, by Sara Bareilles

New Years Resolutions

I've never really gotten the appeal of New Years. I've never really counted down. I've never had champagne. I've never done the celebratory kiss. But I've always liked resolutions. I make them all the time. I generally make one at the beginning of the school year and one at the beginning of summer. I like the idea of looking back at your year and trying to figure out how you can make this one a better one.

Generally, you are supposed to come up with your resolutions before the New Year begins. Well, I'm 17 minutes late, as usual. Might as well do my resolutions sometime, why not now. So, instead of doing the smart thing and thinking about my resolutions in my head, or writing them down in a journal, I'm going to post them here. I figure that all of the people who read my blog are close friends of mine, so they already know about all my problems and history.

So here it goes.

One year ago, I stood on my grandma's front step and thought about how I finally had my life in some sort of order. I had my first real boyfriend. I had good friends and I had removed myself from some bad friends. I had school stuff sorted out, with college things looming in the far away future.

In the past year, I messed a lot of things up. I became single. I had my fair share of panic attacks. I stressed about everything. But I also managed to do a lot of things right. I made a lot of new friends. I grew closer to people who i already knew. I got accepted into the college of my dreams.

So today, now 33 minutes ago, there was a bittersweet twang when I stood on my grandma's front steps. I can't wait for the new year. For the challenges I will face. And the people i will meet. But I'm terrified that I will mess everything up again.

Finally, for my resolutions (written to myself):
1. Be healthy. Be active. Eat right. It's due time that when you look in the mirror you don't see your flaws. Don't point them out. Embrace them, or fix them. Stop being lazy about it. You know that you will feel better and be happier if you do.
2. Stop f*cking procrastinating. It's ridiculous. Stop putting off the hard work just because it's hard. Embrace the challenge. Stop spending all your time online doing stupid things. Either be working or doing something meaningful online. Do the stupid stuff later.
3. Think. Before. You. Act. Don't have it be so that you are thought of as unpredictable and spontaneous. Those aren't necessarily always good things. Sometimes it's good to be regular.
4. When you do mess up, and knowing you, you will, don't blame yourself. You don't deserve that. I'm not kidding. You don't.
5. Stop living in "What Ifs." Stop regretting every little decision. This will sound familiar. You may not want to hear it, but it was and still is true: In four years none of this will matter. In one year this won't matter. Honestly, are you going to spend your time thinking about all of this in six months? I know I won't. It's not worth thinking about or worth spending your time regretting things.
6. Have fun. This will be the end of your Senior year in High School and the beginning to your Freshman year of college. Do something fun. Live it up. Live now or you'll regret your time wasted later (Also, refer to #5).

Those are my resolutions. I have these, along with the specifics and some more profanity, in my head. For those few who read my blog, please post your resolutions. Also, thanks for reading this longa** post :) Love you all!

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Senior Lunch Reflections

I'm going to miss this. Sitting in the band hallway listening to everyone's conversations.

I'm going to miss talking to you.
The rushed homework everyone is trying to finish.
The passing conversations.
The slamming of locker doors.

I'm going to miss my friends.
The way they talk.
The way they gesticulate.
Their laughter.

As college fast approaches I feel myself becoming more and more reflective about what I'm going to miss. I've just realized just how much I'm going to miss this.

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Texting

I like the idea of texting.
The idea that I am constantly there in your life.
And that you are taking moment out of your conversations to reply to me.
I like the idea that I can contact you the second anything happens to me.

Still Not Perfect

Words are chosen,
Finessed and reworked.
Old phrases are changed
and erased.
Gray lines cross out the old,
and write the new. Edits are made,
reread and discarded.
Finally, typed and published.
Still not perfect...

Old Posts

I haven't posted in a while. That doesn't mean that I'm not writing. In fact, I looked on Blogger to see how many drafts of posts I had and there are 22. That's too much. So, in the next few days I'll be actually getting around to posting those...

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Photography

I take pictures because people don't notice the world
And because someone has to.

I find myself fascinated with things
And the beauty in the world.

I think that the fact that we even exist is something
I or anyone else will never understand.

We need to notice things that are around us
And not just try to spend our lives going from point A to point B.

I love watching people's reactions to my photos,
and the way the ask, what is that?

I love it when people have to think about what it is.

I like the idea that life isn't simple,
So why should my photos be?

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Dunn Bros People Watching

I have always loved watching people and the way that they interact. That's why I love public places where I can just sit and watch people. So, I've decided that instead of doing my environmental science homework, I'm going to write about the people that I see (this is probably going to be way more interesting for me than it is going to be reading it).

Table 1: A guy sitting alone on his Apple laptop. He looks vaguely like the father from Even Stevens. Okay, actually, he looks a lot like the dad from Even Stevens. He has been dutifully working on his computer for the last hour and has a large briefcase/computer bag. He keeps looking down at a pack of newspapers/magazines/pamphlets that he has sitting next to him. He's drinking tea. Ha. He just tried to catch a fly. I like this guy. He seems like he would be a good dad. He has a vague smile on his face like either he's reading something entertaining or that's just how his face is. He just went to the bathroom, which doesn't seem like a big thing (in fact it's pretty creepy), but he left all of his stuff out on his table, except for a folder which he put away right before he left. Why would you put that much trust in the strangers around you not to steal your stuff?

Table 2: 60-something guy on a black laptop. I don't recognize the logo, but it's really interesting. He has thick black frames and keps adjusting them. He has an 8-ounce disposable cup on his table, but I think there's another one on his table along with it that's larger. This makes me think that he was trying another type of coffee but didn't want a whole lot of it. He has a forest green back back sitting on the bench next to him. He has a displeased facial expression; the corners of his mouth are turned down. He hasn't been here for long, though he seems ver interesting in what he is doing. This guy isn't very interesting.

Table 3: Woman in her early 20s. I'm sure she's a student at one of the may campuses around. About 30 minutes ago there was a guy sitting with her. They were laughing about something that was on her computer. His cup is still there, but he is no where to be seen. She is dutifully taking notes off of something on her computer. She's written over a page of notes in the past 5 or 10 minutes. I wonder who the guy she was with was, and who he is.

Table 4: A father and son (age 5) that just got here. So far they are my favorite. The dad was eating, but just finished a banana, and the little boy is eating a donut. The dad asked whether he could have some of the donut. The little kid shook his head. I like him. The boy is wearing a helmet and the dad looks slightly sweaty so i'm guessing they biked here. Not too far, but a considerable amount. the little boy keeps looking over at me. But perhaps that's because i keep looking over at him. He and his dad are talking about the pictures that are above my head. The dad is doing something with his iPhone, i really can't tell what. He has a bluetooth in, which bothers me for some reason. The little boy is wearing tractor socks. Okay, this kid is offially my favorite. Apparently what the dad was doing was taking a panoramic shot of the inside of Dunn Bros. He's showing it to his son, but the kid isn't very interested. The kid has a really nice helmet. I've decided his name should be David. I don't know what his actual name is, I'm not eavesdropping, in fact, I'm listening to music. So there. David is still eating his donut, it's identical to the one i had when I got here and i agree with him. It's very good. Oh, no! They are leaving! I liked them. Goodbye David!

Table 5: A man sitting next to me. He was here when i got here (about and hour and a half ago) and has been writing in a moleskin notebook in green ink. I love green ink. His handwriting is really nice. I wonder what he's writing. He has a small lightbulb sitting on his table. I have no idea why. This guy confounds me. He has a crumpled piece of paper sitting on his table. Earlier he was looking at that and writing in his moleskin. He is now doing something on his Blackberry/Android (not an iPhone). He brought his own cup to drink from (GO ECO GUY). The second he got up, the guy from Table 2 moved over here. Why is this table better than the other? Oh, Table 1 guy is talking to the guy who is now sitting next to him. Maybe there was too much talking.

Table 6: The table on the other side of me. An old married couple. Well, not old. Early 60s maybe. The woman, I'll call her Maybelle, is reading the newspaper. He husband, Jerry, is people watching. Or at least I think he is. I can't really see him very well through the plant that is between us. They went to Breadsmith before they got here and they got something to eat now (don't remember what they got) and they have a loaf of bread sitting on a chair next to them. Maybelle is talking about how she wants to go see an exhibit at the history Museum (yes, I know I said I wasn't eavesdropping, but my music got quiet and they were talking kinda loudly). They both have some coffee type drink and a clear glass with water.

Table 7: A guy with sunglasses on his hed. He's pretty indistinguishable, though he has a clipboard and is drawing/writing on. I think he is the manager of a construction project. He seems to be marking out plans on his clipboard. He isn't drinking anything, meaning he's pretty focused on what he's doing. He's thinking a lot about it. He seems slightly confounded by a problem that has arisen. OH! He's drinking. Lol.

I think for now that this is definitely long enough. I'll be surprised if you read all of it!

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The Other Side of the Story

Why is it that no one ever writes about the other side of the story?

You always see those Chick Flicks where the woman realizes that she doesn't love her boyfriend, she loves that guy who's always been there for her. She scampers off to live a perfect life with perfect guy in a beautiful house with beautiful children and a picket fence.

But what happens to her boyfriend? The one who thought that they would have a beautiful house with beautiful children and a picket fence. The one who thought they would be together forever. The one who loved her.

They don't write that story because no one wants to be that guy. To be left behind. It's too sad.

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I Want A Change.

I'm sick of this.
I'm sick of that look you give me.
I'm sick of ignoring you.

I'm sick of caring.
I'm sick of second hand information.
I'm sick of pretending.

I'm sick of dealing.
I'm sick of hoping you'll one day apologize.
I'm sick of this emotional tug-of war.

I want confrontation.
I want to yell and scream at you.
I want to hate you.

I want to talk.
I want you to know what you did.
I want a change.

A Letter To Myself

Dear me,

This is a letter to myself, for when I go back and reread posts, which I commonly do.

In 15 days, school will have ended. You will have taken your SAT and ACT. You will have played at graduation, and had a dance performance. You will have studied and worked and tested and been exhausted. Congratulations on being done.

But, now that that is over, you have an entire summer to finally become what you want to become.

Last summer, you changed. Or at least, you would like to believe that you changed. You became louder. You cared less about what people thought of you. You dressed nicer. You started taking more chances. You did whatever the hell you wanted to do. You put yourself out there. That was a good thing. But you can do more. You are not at your full potential yet, and you know deep down that it would only take a little work to get you there.

This is your chance. Next school year you will be a senior. This is your last chance to make an impression on that box building high school you attend. So do it.

Make your summer count. Don't be one of those people who sleep until 1 and then sit around not doing anything. It was fun last year, but it can't happen again. Take initiative. Do things. Conquer the city.

So, as I finish my post in order to finish my work so that I can do well in these last 15 days until the last bell rings and we are finally released, you have already worked and tested and been exhausted. Lucky you. But, have fun this summer. Do what you need to do so you can do what you want to do. Be who you want to be no matter what you have to do to get there. Be happy.

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Prom!

For one night, we forget everything we know.



We dress as fancy as we want.



We cling to tradition.



We pose for pictures.



We walk carefully.



We dance like no one is watching.



We stay out later than we should.



Thank you all for a wonderful evening that I will never forget.
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